Gonna Be There

March 2011. It was  Friday night. I was on my way to see my friend Sani DJ at the Ivy Pool Bar, which she does every weekend. However, I missed the ferry from Manly to the city, so I had 45mins to wait until the next one. I wondered what to do in the meantime, and decided to wait in the Manly Wharf Bar, as they normally have some sport playing on the TV.

I had broken up with Rachel about 6 weeks before, and was just starting to feel human again. I genuinely didn't mind being in a bar by myself watching the rugby. At the bar on my left, there was a group of 3 girls, one of whom clearly had a lot of energy, and was dancing in a very exuberant fashion. It was almost cheesy, but that's part of what made it fun to watch. We locked eyes several times. She could tell that I liked what she was doing. It takes a lot of guts to dance when nobody else is. I do so all the time, as I love it so much.

The three of them took their drinks and walked away from the bar. As they walked past me, I said to her "I like your energy." "Come join us." She replied. I happily did so.

Without completely ignoring her friends, I spoke to her, and we got on great, and after a few minutes she said to me" You're a very sexy man, but I have a boyfriend that I love very much. I'd love for you to meet my friend J******". I said hello to her, and we, too, got on really well. I took her back to the bar and we talked some more. I told her about myself, and found out that she's an accountant and loves to keep fit, having been a gymnast previously. I was impressed, as even a half-good gymnast is an athletic phenomenon.

We rejoined her friends and talked some more, and I suggested she come over and I make her some nigerian food. She said that would be nice, and we swapped numbers. It was getting to time for the next ferry to leave, so I politely excused myself, but before I did so, pulled her into me and kissed her. "Mmmmm.... I'll be waiting for that phone call...!" She said.

We met up the following week, and got on fantastically. I explained to her that I had a very recent breakup, and that I wasn't ready for a relationship yet. She really appreciated my honesty, and it turned out that she wasn't in the market for a relationship either, but we still enjoyed each others company, so we agreed to date on an infrequent basis, which worked well until her dad became unwell. I offered her any help I could give her, but she said she really needed to be by herself. I gave her all the space she wanted, but let her know that I was there if she needed to talk, or if she wanted to see me again.

About 6 weeks later, she got back in contact, and her dad wasn't as unwell as first feared. It was nice to see her again, and continued to do so for quite a while after.

To tell the rest of the story in detail would involve revealing some very personal information, and I really don't want to do anything to upset her. I have to stress at this point, that she's never been anything but nice to me, and we've never had an argument, or even a minor misunderstanding until now. However, put simply, but still accurately, she went through a very distressing time that I helped her through, and in doing so, I realised how strongly I felt about her, and that I really wanted her to be my girlfriend. I felt ready now. I thought it a good idea to give her some space to get over what she'd just been through, which fit well with me, as I had to go back to London for my nephews birthday. When I got back, I messaged her, and she didn't get back to me, which was highly unusual. Three days later, I got a message from her saying that she couldn't see me anymore, as she was in love with someone else.

I had no real choice but to respect this, but I was crushed. With the vast majority of women that I meet, some things about them make me think 'yes', and some things make me think 'no'. But with her, there's only 'yes'. But she's gone, now.

I love you, J******.

I really do.

The song: http://youtu.be/Zway5olvw-0 (original draft)


The words: http://victor-thediary.blogspot.com.au/2014/01/gonna-be-there-lyrics.html

Gonna Be There Lyrics

Words and music by me :)

Gonna Be There

Met you that night it was pure chance

My ship had sailed, then I saw her dance

She said 'come on over, the night is young'

My friend here's a lady, then we'd begun

If there's a chance to see you again

I'm gonna be, gonna be, gonna be there

If there's a chance to hold you again

I'm gonna be, gonna be, gonna be there

We said we weren't ready, so take it slow

Simple and easy's the way to go

Times got too heavy, you stayed away

I'm here if you need me, so that's OK

If there's a chance to see you again

I'm gonna be, gonna be, gonna be there

If there's a chance to hold you again

I'm gonna be, gonna be, gonna be there

If there's a chance to see you again

I'm gonna be, gonna be, gonna be there

If there's a chance to hold you again

I'm gonna be, gonna be, gonna be there

Oo-ooh……..

Oo-ooh……..

It's always been clear you could be the one

I opened my heart just when you were gone

We came back together just like before

I started to feel we could be forevermore

I never counted on someone new

But I've always wanted what's best for you

If there's a chance to see you again

I'm gonna be, gonna be, gonna be there

If there's a chance to hold you again

I'm gonna be, gonna be, gonna be there

[ah-hoo......]

If there's a chance to see you again

I'm gonna be, gonna be, gonna be there

[ah-hoo......]

If there's a chance to hold you again

I'm gonna be, gonna be, gonna be there

[ah-hoo.....]

If there's a chance to kiss you again

I'm gonna be, gonna be, gonna be there

[ah-hoo.....]

If there's a chance to love you again

I'm gonna be, gonna be, gonna be there.

Copyright 2014

The song: http://youtu.be/Zway5olvw-0 (rough draft)

Can't Wait

This one's really simple.

It's about my sister, D'lys back in London. She's a full time singer, which is her dream, after having spent 3 years working in market analysis to our parents great pleasure, but to her misery. She hated it. When she told me she wanted to quit her job and make music full time, I offered to pay half her rent to help her make ends meet. She called me back a month later asking if I was serious about that. I said that I was. She quit her job and put a band together, and I sent her money every month.

She doesn't have the same disposable income as she did in her office job, but she's infinitely happier. 

However, last year, she severed her Achilles tendon while playing netball, which needed surgery, and for her to cancel her performances for several months. She put on a brave face, but I imagine it would have been very hard for her, so I wrote her this:

The song: http://youtu.be/25o0ywNqFCo (original draft).

https://soundcloud.com/victor-steele/cant-wait (finished version)

The words: http://victor-thediary.blogspot.com.au/2014/01/cant-wait-lyrics.html

If you'd like to be added to my mailing list to get these diary entries sent to you directly, and would like a free download of 2 of my songs, then just enter your name and email address into the form below, and they'll be sent to you instantly :)

Can't Wait Lyrics

Now we've found just who we are

Who'd have thought we'd be so far.

Home with you I still belong.

Never feel like I've been gone.

Can't wait to see 

You here with me.

I want you to live your dream.

I want you to sing with me.

Thinking of you day and night.

I know there will be a time.

That you will be

Right here with me.

You're gonna be

Right here with me. 

Even though you're far away

In my heart, you're here to stay.

Can't wait to see

You here with me.

You're gonna be

Right here with me. 

You will succeed.

I still believe.

Can't wait to see

You here with me.

You're gonna be

Right here with me. 

You will succeed.

I still believe.

If you'd like to be added to my mailing list to get these diary entries sent to you directly, and would like a free download of 2 of my songs, then just enter your name and email address into the form below, and they'll be sent to you instantly :)

In our final year of secondary school some of my friends were getting a taxi home after a night out. 

The taxi driver seemed like a nice guy. He was encouraging them to stay in school and get a good education, as he wasn't happy driving taxis. 

It turned out that he was at the Arsenal football academy with Paul Merson (who also played for England).

He was clearly quite agrieved, because he felt that he was better than Paul Merson.

And I can believe that.

Because I'm better than Paul Merson. 

But, he had the backing of the correct people, and the rudiments of footballing ability that he had made him a star.

I'm starting to understand how that taxi driver feels. Geri Halliwell is in Sydney judging on Australia's Got Talent. She did a gig at the Beresford Hotel a couple of months ago. It was deemed by many to be a joke. But, she has the marketing behind her. She has the money. I don't think she cares.

Work has been very tricky this year. I actually ended up quitting. I've never quit a job before. It was incredibly liberating. It felt like the right thing to do. I wasn't happy, and couldn't see the situation improving. I think I've told you before, among other things, I just didn't belong there. Hospital social media policy means I can't go into more detail than that, but I'm happy to to talk about it in person if anyone is interested. I'm moving to a different hospital with several other medical musical people, and it should be awesome. My mentor told me that when things aren't' going well, I shouldn't be focussing on non-medical things. I think I can reasonably argue that that's the time when you most need the things that make you happy. And music does that. 

It's been turbulent, with some great highs, but no shortage of lows. You all know about the EP- I'm still helplessly in love with the music, even if it is my own. Making friends with Sean, the record producer, was awesome- we have a great harmony, and work brilliant together. I had an EP launch in one of the clubs near me, where I hired a full band to play my songs with me. We sounded awesome (even if I do say so myself). We got together again at a band showcase, and I arranged a salsa friend to come along, and we broke out into a surprise 2 minute salsa freestyle during Ordinary Girl as the finale, which was massively popular with the crowd.  There were four other bands on that night, but about 50 people came to see me specifically, which was really heartwarming. I hardly had time to speak to each of them after my performance. That was a strange situation to be in. 

I have my own website, designed for me by my friend Amanda, which is pretty slick, and is a great social tool, as it's linked to this diary, and a great way for people to get to know me, musically and otherwise. Making the video to 'Ordinary Girl' was something I only really enjoyed in retrospect, although it was fun to work with Ian, the film director, and his wife Paula. I was ecstatically happy with the result, but coordinating the process was was quite complicated and nerve-wracking, knowing that I only really had one shot at getting it right, and that it cost me a years savings. It turned out brilliantly, and was featured in the local paper. In order to break even on the video and music production, I needed to sell 2000 copies of my EP.

I sold 6.

I don't get it. 

I really don't.

Everyone tells me how awesome my music is, but virtually nobody wants to buy it. It's all quite confusing. I've had a couple of occasions when I've mentioned my EP to people and they've said "Oh cool- I'll buy one!" Without having even heard it. Which is great. However, usually I feel like the more people like the music, the less likely they are to buy it. Case in point: after I released the video, I got an email from a guy in Holland:

[him] MAN, YOU ARE AMAZING!!!! YOUR MUSIC IS JUST AWESOME!!!! YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY BE MORE FAMOUS!!!!

[me] Thanks! would you like a CD?

[him] Oh no, no, no, no- I'll just listen for free (online)

[me] So- how am I supposed to make a success of this?

[him] You can put adverts on your video.

So I did.

$0.

Thanks.

Goodwill and compliments are all very well and good, but they're not going to sustain you at the end of the day. I never got into this for the money, but if yo want something to be sustainable, then you will have to do it for some money.

It's hard to know what to do. Getting gigs in Sydney is really hard, so it's difficult to make a name for yourself. I'm thinking about coming back to London. I'll be closer to family and most of my closest friends. I just have one more medical exam to get through. If I meet a girl who isn't on drugs, then I could be persuaded to stay, as Sydney is otherwise an awesome place.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Until the next time.

Victor.

Ordinary Girl Video

Greetings.

I'm sure you're all pretty familiar with my X-Factor disaster by now, so I won't go into that again. I've been toying with the idea of making music video for some time, but recent stresses at work have prompted me to go for it. The sentinel feature of my music video has always been to make a parody of that X-Factor set-up (where I was pressured into singing a song, and then criticised for singing that song). Most of you will know that I have a diploma in TV and film, as well as theatre acting, so the parody would be heightened further by me playing all the judges myself. My brother and I would act out our favourite cartoons as kids, and so we are both good at doing lots of voices. Doing an irish accent (Ronan Keating), australian accent (Natalie Bassingthwaighte and Guy Sebastian) and a yorkshire accent (Mel B) wasn't a problem. I just needed to find a way to recreate the set.

I phoned round several film directors, and eventually found one who was available (Ian Nicholson- Hyperdriven Films), and could use green screening and other special effects to recreate the set. I played each of the four judges in sequence, with the help of his wife, who is a professional make-up artist. It was a full day of make-up, but it achieved the desired effect. Ian then shrunk each video image down and placed them side by side behind a table to give the effect of there being four versions of me sitting side by side. He also digitally reconstructed the stage and superimposed me playing myself on it. 

The choice of song was a simple one for me- I chose Ordinary Girl because it's as catchy as all my other songs, but you  can also salsa to it. This would give the video an added dimension that other rock songs don't have. However, for that, you need a partner. I sent Amy Mills a Facebook message earlier in the year, suggesting that I may need her for this, and she said she'd be interested, but then became very difficult to contact.  I met her at the salsa congress in New Zealand in June, and she said she'd use been very busy, but was still interested. Amy is a phenomenal dancer (we'd actually only danced together once before, but we go really smoothly together), a good actress, as well as being too sexy to describe, which never hurts. She's always been my number one choice for the part.

Ian and I got started filming the rest of the video, including my starting to learn guitar, writing the song, recording it at home on my Mac, and then recording it professionally in a recording studio. The studio that I actually used for the recording wasn't available, so I had to scout around for another one. I found one that was free, and looked reasonable, but when we got there, nothing worked, and they hardly had any equipment. Ian and I had to get creative to make it look half-decent, but I definitely wouldn't recommend the place, and I felt quite sheepish paying for their time. Later that afternoon, we met up with Daniel, who played guitar at my EP launch a couple of months ago, and his friend Mattheus, who is a bassist. I hired a venue with a stage, and we played the song live about 20 times, being filmed from different angles. Now, I love the song, but after that afternoon, I really needed a break from it. For about a day.

Amy was still proving very difficult to get hold of during all of this, and I told her that I had a timeline to run to, and was considering hiring someone else. Which I did. Until she burnt her back doing cupping 4 days to film date. I went to Amys Monday night samba class in person and said "Amy- we're filming on thursday. I need you to be there." "OK" she said. "Thank Christ for that!".

She came up to Manly, and we both had our make up done early in the morning, before meting Ian at Manly Wines cafe to be filmed doing the boyfriend-girlfriend thing. They were kind enough to let us film there for free.We then went onto the beach to do more couply stuff. Amy asked me if she should wear a samba-type G-string. I said 'Hell no!" I needed this to be family viewing. We did some jogging on the beach and general frolicking.

In the afternoon, we went to the dance studio in Brookvale. She brought some great outfits, but the recurring theme for the one we went with was that it kept riding up towards her waist- both amusing and frustrating. I had choreographed several dance sequences, which we filmed from different angles. as well as some freestyle dancing. In retrospect, the freestyle dancing was by far more impressive, but it was good to have more material available. 

We finished by filming me singing the song to Amy. before we all went out to dinner. 

I was incredibly relieved to have all the filming done without any major hiccups. I knew I'd only have one chance at this, and we were all pretty happy with the footage. In total, the filming was done over 4 days, but it took 12 solid days of editing to put it all together. And here it is :)

As I say, I'm incredibly happy with it all. It actually generated zero sales, which was disappointing, but if I can make a statement to X-Factor that you can't screw people around like that, while showcasing my singing, songwriting, acting and dancing ability to be vastly superior to any of the judges, then I think I've achieved something. No matter how small.

Bishan

I was at work, trying to access the electronic medical record system, but had changed my password recently, but couldn’t remember what I’d changed it to. The nurse sitting next to me started shouting out some suggestions: “PENIS! VAGINA! COCK! PUSSY!!”

I turned to her and said calmly: “You’re single, aren’t you?”

She was speechless.

“I thought so.”

How is everyone?

Now, I wasn’t trying to make her feel bad, but I was just picking up on some desperation that I my self was very familiar with in my younger years. Thankfully, due to ‘the force’ I’ve long since moved on from that phase. Better late than never.

I remember at school Richard telling me “It’s alright for you, Victor, you’ve got these bulging muscles- you’re in there already” it never quite worked out that way, though. I weigh about 10kg less now than my rugby-playing weight, but I do infinitely better with girls because I dress well and am not afraid to express my personality. That will help you more than any amount of musculature ever could.

When I went to Dubai last year to visit my friend Yousouf, we went out clubbing with one of his friends who was a professional bodybuilder. 120kg of pure, albeit drug-assisted, muscle.

There was 120kg of loneliness happening that night.

The stereotype doesn’t usually bear out in real life. I’m in a much better place, now. The search continues.

There has been some turbulence at work, as I haven’t been doing that well due to some personal issues and simply being fatigued from studying so hard, meaning that I’ve been clinging to my music as my main source of redemption, although I did manage to escape to the NZ salsa congress last month, which was awesome. It was so good to see my dancing friends again, and it was actually only the second time I’ve done any salsa this year, because of work. I really needed that outlet.

One thing I found with moving countries is that making friends as an adult is surprisingly much harder than making friends as a child at school, and it gets harder as you get older, with people settling down in relationships and having children, and subsequently vanishing off the radar. At my current hospital, everyone there is constantly busy with exams and other academia, as well as having lots of patients to see. The result is, you feel alone when you’re at home studying, and you feel even more alone when you’re at work because you’re surrounded by people, but you don’t really know anyone.

Producing my EP was an interesting time, however. I was supposed to be presenting my research project at a conference in March, but one of the collaborators made a critical data error, meaning I couldn’t, so I took my music to the recording studio, where I met Sean, the producer I told you about. I think that part of the reason the CD turned out as well as it did was that Sean and I are both pretty laid back people, and we got on really, really well: he really respects the fact that I want my songs to tell my story, and I really respect the fact that he’s an amazing guitarist with more songwriting experience than me. About ¾ of the times he made a suggestion, I’d agree that it would be an improvement. The remaining ¼ didn’t result in any arguments, or even awkwardness. He and his wife came over for dinner soon after, and we all had a great time. We still catch up, and are looking forward to producing the next 5 songs.

I still went to the conference despite not making the presentation. There was a dinner on the Tuesday night, and I was by myself, and so asked to join a half empty table. The other doctors on the table were very friendly and welcoming, and I had a nice talk with them. It turned out that they were mostly from New Zealand. One of them was from Wellington. I told him that I used to work in Wellington. There were a lot of medical bigwigs at the conference, but I just had the overwhelming feeling that all of this just wasn’t really me. He shared the same feeling.

Me: I love seeing patients and making them feel better: that’s why I became a doctor, and that’s all I really want to do in medicine. When I’m not at work, I like doing fun, creative things like salsa.

Him: I dance salsa, too.

Me: really?? Have you been to Jambalaya (New Zealands biggest world music and dance festival, with salsa as its focus)?

Him: of course. Every year since 2005.

Me: me too! Although I missed the salsa congress last year because I couldn’t get time off work, and I’ve been studying for exams. I haven’t really done much dancing at all, so I’ve been doing some singing, as it’s simply less time consuming.

Him: do you write your own songs?

Me: yes- I started guitar lessons last year, and I’m actually recording an EP at the moment- I’m going back to the recording studio tomorrow.

Him: I write songs, too!

I told him of my salsa solo at the congress in 2009- you may remember that that style of salsa is traditionally performed topless. Salsa dancers loved it, but when people at my current hospital found out about it, nobody said anything to me directly, but I started hearing background whisperings of how unethical it is for a doctor to be ‘flaunting himself’ in such a way online. I was initially quite upset by that lack of understanding, and took the video down. A week later, I changed my mind and put it back up, but with an annotation explaining the traditions of the dance, basically telling those people to go f##k themselves. If you haven’t seen it, here it is:

http://youtu.be/xT3Jmyk0GWw

It turns out that he’d done similar salsa solo performances, and it caused him even greater problems within medicine, such that he actually had to change his speciality.

We just stared at each other.

Me: did you ever get the feeling that you just didn’t belong in a place?

Him: a lot of creative medics feel the same way. Even if you spend the majority of your time working, the fact that you’re expressive in any way just doesn’t sit right with a lot of people in medicine.

Me: I’m so glad to hear you say that. I thought it was just me.

Him: no- it’s not unheard of. I’m trying to change that.

His name was Bishan, and as well as being a great guy, he is actually quite a visionary with his music, poetry and medical education, in particular, encouraging doctors to be more human. His music is a little more abstract than mine- being about peace and love in a humanitarian sense, while my songs are about love in a romantic sense, but we both like each others music:

http://soundcloud.com/acoustic-funkster/believe-in-yourself

It’s actually surprisingly rare for me to make medical friends. Since leaving university, I’ve made many acquaintances, but not many friends.

Actual friends.

People that I can phone and just talk to without them thinking that you want something from them, or are just wasting their time.

In the 12months since the X-Factor disaster (watch this space, by the way), although work has predominated, I’ve produced an EP that I’m helplessly in love with, and made 2 genuine friends. It’s been tough, but I wouldn’t change it, now.

However, as much as I love my music, any thoughts of being a full time musical performer have to be put on hold at least for now. In 3 months, although virtually everybody who hears my songs likes them:

CDs sold: 10.

ITunes downloads: 8.

Apple gives you the postcode of everyone who buys your songs, and so I actually know everyone who’s bought them. I never did this for the money, but it is a harsh reality check as to how good you have to be and what you have to do to be successful in entertainment.

Bishan shared a joke with me: who puts $5000 worth of equipment into a $500 car for a $50 job?

A musician.

Sad, but true.

Until the next time.

Victor.